nothing really important, but lots of cool things read
SOTD: Chrissy Chlapecka - "Passionfruit"
I finally got my WWU transcript issue fixed, and now all I can do is wait (again, they have a ~90% acceptance rate, but... still). I had planned on applying to WSU, too, but the closest campus that offers a bachelor's in biology is 5 hours away. And I don't feel like going THAT far...
It sucks that there aren't a ton of 4-year universities nearby, and that Western is basically my only choice if I want to live at home. To really boost my chances, I wrote a second admissions essay.
I read a few essays from Short Takes that I really liked, actually. I am going to YAP.
Amy Tan's "Confessions" was dark. And relatable to an extent. A parent doing something terrible to you that would haunt you, and forgetting about it (or pretending it never happened) is more common than I'd like to imagine. And the last sentence, "How wonderful to hear her say what was never true, yet now would be forever so" is... fantastic.
I also related a lot to Dorothy Allison's "From Two Or Three Things I Know For Sure." There's a lot of quotes from this essay that I really liked, and a lot of them have to do with being objectified... so these three are my favorite: "Let me tell you about what I have never been allowed to be. Beautiful and female. Sexed and sexual." / "My family has a history of death and murder, grief and denial, rage and ugliness--- the women of my family most of all. The women of my family were measured, manlike, sexless, bearers of babies, burdens, and contempt." / "The women I loved most in the world horrified me. I did not want to grow up to be them. I made myself proud of their pride, their determination, their stubbornness, but every night I prayed a man's prayer: Lord, save me from them. Do not let me become them."
I cannot think of how many times I got filled with nothing less than despair at the idea of becoming my mother. Or the other women in my family. Though, I hear very little stories of their lives before marriage. I know my mom married at 17, and I can't imagine the others in my family were much older.
Hayden Carruth's "Human Cruelty" was also an essay I enjoyed reading, but it was more for the prose and description. Every sentence here feels like it has a purpose, and like nothing can be trimmed without losing something important. One line leads smoothly to the next. "Call him lily-livered. [...]. Call him womanish. In the hypothesis of conventional masculine culture, he was indeed more a woman than a man, although he himself gave no credence to such distinctions of gender and had proven his manhood many times over in other ways. He was glad to be a woman." Maybe this is more impactful to me because of my personal experiences, but this is a fantastic description!!! "Lily-livered" is memorable and gets the point across; that being "delicate" and "feminine" is one of his defining traits. It is embedded into his soul.
"The Unknown Soldier" by Luc Sante is a little confusing to me, but that's part of why I like it. The sentences don't flow here like they did in Carruth's work; nearly every sentence gives me some sort of whiplash. The narrator is walking, got trampled by horses... and a lot of other things happened that killed them. After presumably being hanged, they stole a loaf of bread. Eventually the narrator dies, and is found in everything. Eye banks, blood banks, their teeth in baby rattles, junkmen, the mayor (via spleen)... it's a great read. I'd recommend every essay I talked about here.
"The Ghetto Girls' Guide To Dating And Romance" by Sonja Livingston is also fantastic. While I haven't experienced catcalling myself (that I'm aware of; I often have my headphones in on walks, and haven't pursued men/boys... and haven't been pursued by them, either), I have heard stories of these things. "These are his lies: She doesn't mean anything. You can drop out of school, quit this job. I'll take care of you. This is the prettiest of poisons." It's not a traditional guide, but it paints a picture of living in a world where you're sexualized and demonized; tempting but "dirty."
I have also been feeling rather sad lately. Alienated would be a better word. I remembered suddenly that nearly everyone feels some sort of romantic feelings; there's just one person that they "click" with, and it's different. They feel all sorts of love- familial, platonic- but with this one person, it's "different." It's like a hunger only satiated by that ONE person (romantic (and often sexual, too, though that's different, even if it is often treated as the same thing)) (polyamorous people are often ignored in these conversations, unfortunately, hence why I say "ONE person"). All of my descriptions of these are from comments under a YouTube video.
I don't think I'll ever know what that feels like, even if I do understand devotion, tenderness, and care. I understand admiration, and finding someone so beautiful you want to carve them with your bare hands, to devote all your time to them. I love reading about that, until I remember I will never feel it the way that nearly everyone else does. I am likely aromantic. I don't know. I'm already upset about the future, because I know I will likely be ditched by friends who have found "the one" (or someone that they decide to prioritize; nevermind that I've known them for over a decade, they feel that this person they met months ago is more important. Sure, yes, obviously spend time with your romantic partner... but don't stop having friends. I miss you). I hate being "just" friends, I hate others being described as "more than" friends, and the relationship hierarchy (of sorts).
I understand love is basically a chemical in peoples' brain, but I want to fit in. I understand it on a technical level, but I'm so tired of being isolated. I dated one girl in middle school, and while it was fun (and I rather enjoyed playing my part/role as her romantic partner), I knew we felt very different on a fundamental level. I'm tired of it.
Anyway, I found an old sketchbook of mine, so here's a favorite:
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